My experience with menopause has been that my previously desperate desire to be loved by ALL has been replaced with a loving acceptance that this cannot be true if I am to be my real self. It wasn't a choice, it just slowly became the way I am now. It is more important for me to say what I believe and be heard than to be universally liked or even loved. The balance has shifted from me needing to be loved to needing to love (and respect and honour) myself. It's warmer than any other love - it lasts longer and runs deeper. In-group behaviour is about survival at its core and genetically I no longer have to worry about that. My evolutionary role, post menopause, is to share hard-won wisdom at any cost.
Love your words as always, Kathleen. "In-group behaviour is about survival at its core" - I've known this concept but your words above make me think for the first time about it less in terms of "fear of being killed or excluded" and more in terms of "survival of the species/procreation". Perhaps it's the most obvious thing but I hadn't connected until this very moment that the pre-menopause hormones likely cause us to want to placate more to increase the chances of procreation (duh?), and that the widespread "zero fucks given" attitude that characterizes the post-menopause years is the freeing of one's identity from that obligation, and liberation of one's true self as a result.
I didn't realize how much 'tending and befriending' I was doing, fairly uncritically, until menopause. Now, I feel like my connections are stronger than ever but more based in mutual respect, interest, and values, rather than the wide net of yesteryear. It's not that I love less, I am just aiming it like a laser instead of a searchlight. Thanks for the space to ponder these things.
Love this piece so much and have recognized the same behaviour. I like to learn from the source whether someone is trustworthy. I trust my own insight and instincts and don't really take anyone's word as gold. We are notoriously bad judges of other people's intentions and interior lives! Greeting writing and thoughts as always.
My experience with menopause has been that my previously desperate desire to be loved by ALL has been replaced with a loving acceptance that this cannot be true if I am to be my real self. It wasn't a choice, it just slowly became the way I am now. It is more important for me to say what I believe and be heard than to be universally liked or even loved. The balance has shifted from me needing to be loved to needing to love (and respect and honour) myself. It's warmer than any other love - it lasts longer and runs deeper. In-group behaviour is about survival at its core and genetically I no longer have to worry about that. My evolutionary role, post menopause, is to share hard-won wisdom at any cost.
Love your words as always, Kathleen. "In-group behaviour is about survival at its core" - I've known this concept but your words above make me think for the first time about it less in terms of "fear of being killed or excluded" and more in terms of "survival of the species/procreation". Perhaps it's the most obvious thing but I hadn't connected until this very moment that the pre-menopause hormones likely cause us to want to placate more to increase the chances of procreation (duh?), and that the widespread "zero fucks given" attitude that characterizes the post-menopause years is the freeing of one's identity from that obligation, and liberation of one's true self as a result.
I didn't realize how much 'tending and befriending' I was doing, fairly uncritically, until menopause. Now, I feel like my connections are stronger than ever but more based in mutual respect, interest, and values, rather than the wide net of yesteryear. It's not that I love less, I am just aiming it like a laser instead of a searchlight. Thanks for the space to ponder these things.
Love this piece so much and have recognized the same behaviour. I like to learn from the source whether someone is trustworthy. I trust my own insight and instincts and don't really take anyone's word as gold. We are notoriously bad judges of other people's intentions and interior lives! Greeting writing and thoughts as always.