Open Doors
A letter about change (for all of us who are suspicious)
Dearest reader,
This week I find myself thinking about cynicism.
You see, while I might appear on the outside to be rather rosy in nature, I am, if I’m to be completely honest, actually just a stone cold pessimist in my heart of hearts.
Sometimes I feel guilty about it.
But then I remember that according to science, one’s optimism/pessimism balance is about 50% genetic, and the rest is determined by life experiences.
To put it simply, “Some people are born more Tigger-ish, and others are born more Eeyore-ish”, says Gretchen Rubin.
Given that my father’s nickname at home was Eeyore, I’m sure you can guess which side of the coin I got.
But, earlier this week, I received some surprising news that caused me to take a closer look at my tendency towards cynicism. In turn, some rather interesting revelations arose.
This is what I’d like to share with you today.
Parts Theory and My Cynic
I’m a big fan of Richard Schwartz and the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model for exploring one’s inner world. I’ve worked directly with IFS practitioners and have also utilized these tools in therapy for several years. (As an aside, I recently read “You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For” and it was incredible – highly recommend.)
For those of you who are unfamiliar with parts theory, essentially it’s the idea that within our psyche lies a host of characters, all of whom participate in our feelings and decisions.
When you’re at a particular life juncture and find yourself saying, “There’s a part of me that wants to do A, and a part of me that wants to do B”, IFS would encourage you to talk directly to each of those parts and explore what they have to say.
In my experience, these conversations yield an incredible amount of insight, despite the fact that at first blush the practice might seem woo-woo or hoaky or a bit embarrassing to indulge.
Hot tip: I find that I have the most luck working with my internal family when I’m alone, outside of a therapeutic setting. My parts are shy – they need the quiet of my meditation practice to feel comfortable enough to talk to me. Find more on IFS here and here.
Over the years of practicing IFS, I’ve become very familiar with the part of me who is cynical and hypervigilant. This overbearing character firmly believes that most changes in my life will bring with them a fiery storm of chaos that will descend my days into madness.
His job is to protect me by keeping things the same.
This is all well and good, but given that the nature of life is change, I’m sure you can imagine that this poor guy has an abysmal success rate.
That said, he is nothing if not persistent.
When change comes knocking on my door, this guy jumps in and encourages me to tape down the windows to prepare for the impending hurricane. He is convinced that only bad things are on the horizon and he doesn’t want me to get hurt.
His heart is in the right place.
But man – he’s exhausting to deal with sometimes.
Anyway, earlier this week I received news of a change that – for all intents and purposes – seemed to be negative in nature.
In years past, I would have experienced the news of this change without being able to observe my experience of receiving the news of this change.
In other words, I would have just been in it, without the ability to watch my reactions.
Practicing mindfulness and meditation does a wonderful thing to the brain that I can only really relate to that moment in the matrix where Neo dodges the bullets.
The difference is that in real life, you can’t stop yourself from getting hit by negative occurrences. People get sick, jobs come and go, you argue with the people you love – this is life. You can’t dodge that.
What you can do is slow down the experience enough to notice your thought process and responses, therefore providing yourself the opportunity to dodge the old patterns of behaviour that have previously fucked up your life even further.
Tools like IFS work to illuminate those slo-mo moments, allowing you to organize and more clearly understand the dance that your mind is performing.
Over time, and with a lot of practice, I’ve been able to shift my experience during most tough moments from “HOLY SHIT MY HAIR IS ON FIRE WHAT AM I GOING TO DO THIS MOMENT IS CONSUMING MY EVERY CELL” to “Huh. What do I notice right now?”
Earlier this week, when I received news of the change in my life, I noticed that, like usual, my inner cynic fell from the ceiling, fists up, ready to defend me at all costs.
Thanks buddy.
But something else interesting happened too.
A millisecond before my cynic appeared on the scene, another character popped her cute little head up, just for an instant.
Though I’d never fully noticed her before, I knew this wasn’t the first time she’d come to help me out. Her words were spoken with a gentle, playful voice.
“Ooh!” she said. “This is exciting!”
She then retreated once more to the recesses of my mind.
The Excited One
Last night as I meditated, I tried to communicate directly with this new character.
I noticed that when I went into the conversation, my hope was that I could get her to provide me with some answers or solutions about WHY the change is exciting to her; some psychic future-reading vision of exactly how this change was going to play out.
Did she know something I didn’t?
Was this change actually going to be positive in nature?
Were there steps I needed to take to ensure a positive outcome?
Could she share some hints or hacks about how I could guarantee that this change wouldn’t tear my life apart?
When pressed for information, however, this sweet little part just smiled and shrugged.
“It’s just exciting,” she said with a smile. “I’m curious about what will happen next.”
The most interesting part about the Excited One was that, unlike the cynic, she didn’t seem to be imploring me for more time. She didn’t need to take over, or run the show. She was content to show up for a moment, present a positive spin, and then hang back.
For me, a productivity-focused, intensity-in-ten-cities, progress at all costs, HELP ME GROW type person, I found myself getting a little bit frustrated with her.
Forget curiosity. I wanted certainty.
“If you can’t guarantee that this change will be positive, then what’s there to be excited about?” I asked. “What good is it to be curious about something unless you know it’s going to be good?”
She smiled.
An insight lodged itself between my eyes instantaneously. It was this:
Curiosity opens the door. It does not dictate what walks through it next.
Though we hope that keeping the door closed to change will prevent bad things from happening, that’s actually not true.
We can’t prevent bad things from happening. Period.
But ironically, remaining energetically closed can prevent us from welcoming in the good things that are trying to enter through the same door.
The Excited One wasn’t there to provide me with any answers, or to promise me that the change would usher in only good things.
Instead, she arrives when a new development in my life knocks, and gently encourages me to keep my heart open.
The Energy of Curiosity
The thing about curiosity is that it has inherent value no matter what; even when the insights it welcomes through aren’t pleasant.
Change comes no matter what. And we can never guarantee that what’s about to take place will be entirely beneficial.
The fog of life feels scary because we don’t know what’s around the bend.
But the simple fact that we don’t know means that (as much as my cynical part is loathe to admit it) there is always a possibility that some good will be born in every new moment.
It begs the question:
What if we could extend the energy of curiosity to the things that scare us? How might that energy influence what later comes through the door?
And it makes me wonder:
What changes are knocking at the door of your life right now? How do you find yourself responding?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Sending you so, so much love.
Kyra
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